My Choice
by endless-fever
Summary: John's thoughts after Self Inflicted Wounds part 2, "Wait For The Wheel"


Title: My Call   
Classification: Post Episode   
Author: Jadecow   
E-mail address: Jadecow@hotmail.com   
Rating: PG-13   
Status: Complete   
Spoilers: If you didn't see Self Inflicted Wounds part 2, don't read this. There's a few other spoilers, mainly on the whole season 2/season 3 theme of Scorpy wanting John.   
Summary: Johns thoughts after Self Inflicted Wounds part 2, "Wait For The Wheel"   
Author's Notes: Thanks Jo. Um...Yeah. This was written at 3 a.m. last night. It just popped out. I think you kinda need to read it as fast as possible without missing anything to get the feel of how I wrote it. If that make sense. 

()()()   
_My Call_   
By: Jadecow (jadecow@hotmail.com)   
()()() 

"Why is it always the gentle ones that pay the price for everyone else's ambition?" 

I can barely hear him. There's only a few thoughts running through my mind but boy are they loud. The most common of which being 'my fault.' Repeating over and over and over again. And his question. The two bouncing off the inside of my mind, echoing themselves, mixing. Mixing together until they're just a mess of words that make no sense. My fault. My fault. My fault. 

Anger. Gonna explode. Can feel it. My imaginary friend just proved it. My fault. My fault. My fault. The bottle is out of my hands and flying into nothingness so hard I think I actually hurt my arm. Can you hurt yourself inside your own head while talking to your imaginary friend? Oh God. 

There's a jerk from Moya. So sudden it pitches me off my seat and breaks me out of my mind. Confusion. Where'd the Stooges go? Hey Moe! My fault my fault myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault. Zhaan's chamber. Not anymore! 

Feet. Good. Get the hell out of there. I can feel her there. Like she's still watching me. Oh please. Don't. Not now…myfaultmyfault. Zhaan dead -my fault! Moya all but destroyed -my fault! 

Two nameless people dead -my fault my fault! All of us are going down the proverbial crapper. Unglued. Our glue just sacrificed herself to keep our miserable asses alive. I shoulda… I shoulda done it. I coulda done it. I woulda done it. 

Should'a. Could'a. Would'a. Didn't I just go over that? Pilot. Frelled him over. Aeryn -killed her! Great John-Boy! Stark -killed his last chance at happiness. Rygel -broke his damn nose or whatever the hell he called it! Jool -killed two of her cousins! 

Voices. Scropy. In my ear as I run. Tripping. Need to get away. Away from death. Away from it all. I caused it all. I did this. Not once. Not once! Twice. If I hadn't fallen for that damn worm hole the first time I saw it It would be good. No wormhole technology locked inside my brain. 

My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault! 

Ow! Damn it. Up. Up John. You run they can't get you. Ghosts can't get you if you keep running. 

"But your mind John. It's always there." 

"Shut the frell up Scorpy!" Out loud. Oh great. Not again. Go away. Dumpster. Dumpster. I'll Stone Cold your ass and throw you in the dumpster! 

"You should have done it John. It was your fault." 

Oh God. Not Zhaan too. No. No. No. No. No. No! No more voices in my head. Take a number! 

"You can't run for us, John." 

No. Zhaan. You wanted to. Oh please. You wanted to. You…You…You said you wanted to. You wouldn't let me. My problem. My fix. No… 

"Crichton!" 

Not in my head. Oh thank God. Not in my head. Real person. Who? Aeryn. Oh Aeryn. Real. Not dead. But was dead. Dead because of me. I'm so sorry. The wheel. The damn wheel. I'm the one spinning the damn wheel. Gotta see who to frell over next time. Oh god. Like the Price Is Right. 

"The price is wrong, Bob!" God. Yelling hurts. 

"John?" 

Choked. Scared. Aeryn trying not to cry. Crying because of me. No Aeryn right now. No. No. No. No. No! Hands. Hands off of me. 

"Leave me alone!" Loud. Loud good. Loud out side of mouth. Loud not in head. No more voices in head. One is enough. 

My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. 

Head, meet ground! What the hell? Aeryn. Not now Aeryn. 

"Get off of me!" 

"Crichton…John. STOP!" She screaming, right in my ear. But not near my ear in my ear. Thank God. 

"No room for you, Aeryn." 

"John, please. Get a hold of yourself." 

My fault. My fault. My fault. "Let me up!" No. She won't. Bitch. "LET ME GO AERYN!" 

"John. Stop." 

"My fault!" Oh out loud that time. Not good. But she knows. It was in her eyes. Pilot's eyes. Rygel's eyes. Stark's eyes. D'Argo's eyes. Chiana's eyes. Everyone. Everyone knows. Everyone knows it. Everyone knows it was my fault! 

"Oh, frell." 

She's crying. Great made her cry too. Make everyone cry. All hurt. All open wounds because I'm spinning the damn wheel! Who should I screw next? Oooohh. Maybe I can kill us all! That would certainly cap off the day! 

"John. John. John. John. John." 

Oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I can breathe again. Don't want to. Up. Aeryn. Tears. 'Oh frell' is right. Kill Zhaan and then make her cry more. Aeryn doesn't cry. She shoots things. Oh please. Shoot me. 

"Shoot me. Get Zhaan back. My call. My call. My fault!" Out loud again.More tears. "Aeryn make it stop. Please. Just let it stop hurting." Breathe. Breathing good. "Make it all go back Aeryn." 

Aeryn is not a giant teddy bear, John." 

"Go away, Scorpy." 

"John. John. John! Look at me!" 

Hands are cold Aeryn. Eyes. Eyes. Hurt. Oh God. Gonna take your eyes --wait. Different nightmare. Different day. Different frelling over of family. Just pained eyes. Aeryn. Aeryn's eyes. Eyes are the window to the soul. Hers is shattered. Big frelling hammer wielded by yours truly. 

"John." 

Nod. Okay. Eyes. Focus. Aeryn. Pain. My fault. My fault. My fault. 

"John, listen!" 

Pressure. Pleading in her eyes. Nod again. Okay. All right. I'm okay. I'm fine. 

"It's not your fault. You hear me?" 

"It is." 

"No!" 

"My call. Told Pilot. My call." 

"John! Listen to me. What happened to Zhaan. What happened the Moya. Everything. It's not your fault." 

"IT IS!" 

Hands off! Run. Running feels good. Can't catch up if I'm running. Oh God. It's all around me. Moya destroyed. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault! 

I'm a victim of circumstance! 

Nuk-nuk-nuk. 

Voices. Live voices. Aeryn. D'Argo. Chiana. Pilot. Rygel. Stark. Calling my name. Scorpy in the mix! My fault. The gentle ones always suffer because of my damn ambition! Beware the wrath of John Cricthon! 

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Screaming. 

Repeating to go over the other litany. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. 

Oh God my head hurts. Stop. Please. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop! 

"Just stop. Please." Floor. DRD. Even the DRD knows. 

"John?" 

Aeryn. Aeryn! Oh God. Aeryn! "Aeryn. Make it stop. Make it stop. My fault. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know it would kill her. Only wanted to go home. Aeryn, please." 

"No. I can't do that John." 

"Because I killed her." 

"No, because you didn't kill her." 

Hahahahaha. Killed her. Killed her "KILLED HER! My call!" 

"No. John. Please, listen to me. You didn't. It's not your fault." 

"No." 

Wow. Falling. Aeryn's got me. Hold me. Who's the giant teddy bear now? 

"Her next, John?" Scorpius, you bastard. 

"Leave me alone." Oh God. Just get him to leave me alone. No more voices inside my head. No more 'where John went wrong's. Just me. Me damn it! 

More foot steps. No. Not now please. No more faces. No more eyes. Just Aeryn is too much. Run John! Run! Ow. Damn it D'Ar-   
()()()   
"Crichton. Crichton. Are you awake?" 

"Let it all me a dream." 

"Sorry. Can't do that." 

Stark? Why Stark? 

"D'Argo knocked you unconscious." 

What's that phrase? No shit Sherlock? 

"Are you better now?" 

My fault. My fault. My fault. Dead. Gone. Scattered. Frelling wormhole. 

"I can show you something." 

The walking slide show that is Stark. Damn bright. Then images. I know these. So many. So fast. Some I don't know. Some I do. Me stumbling onto the command that first time. Aeryn. D'Argo. Rygel. Chiana. That dinner that time after we nearly killed Moya by splitting her into three -where everyone was happy. The sound of D'Argo's voice laughing. Rygel following her advice and going into the Dark's den. Moya. Pilot. Aeryn holding the Vorc and crying. Stark. Stark smiling at Zhaan. More then images. Love. Happiness. So much. So much…. Aeryn and I, standing on the command, watching her. Aeryn with tears in her eyes. Pride. The last words said to her the love. Oh God. So much…And peace. Peace. She was okay. She was happy to give this to us. Happy to let us live. 

No more. Just the feelings remain. Back to good ole one eye Stark. He's smiling. 

"Peace, John Crichton. She was one in fifteen thousand. She would never blame you. She was your mother." 

"My call." 

"She understood. Everyone understands. Don't hold on to the guilt." 

I want to fight. Tell him it's my fault. But I can feel her with me. Sitting on the other side of my bed, smiling. Gentle smile. 

Sometimes, the gentle ones pay for other's ambitions. Zhaan did it willingly out of love. Thank you Zhaan.   
()()()   
Thanks for reading, and remember, all writers need stroking. So PLEASE tell me what you thought (jadecow@hotmail.com). 


End file.
